Sexual Curse/Sexual Immorality/Sexual Perversion
This is the biggest battle of my life, even bigger than me overcoming my father’s death. For years now, ever since childhood, I have been dealing with peculiar physical, emotional, and mentally tendencies that involves sex and it all ties with the spiritual realm. My story, my testimony is vague, not much detail. This is the true story, a story that exposes this guilt I have inside of me. Only God knows the truth as well as I and this truth, my actions keep eating away at my soul.
Eight years old and I was exposed to girls in bikini’s, bras and panties, and the subtle movements of these women. From that point, my mind spiraled down into pornography before I knew what it was. My perspective changed and every time I went to sleep my body gravitated to sex. It was either I woke up with a boner or I had what they call a “wet dream”. I was sleeping with demons, but I thought it was normal. Who knows what those female demons did with my seeds, I guess I’ll see in the future. In the natural when I was awake, my mind grew sick every year of my existence. At the age of twelve, I was introduced to pornography. An older friend showed me this website and I fell for it like how I fell for poetry. I always told people that poetry was my first love, but I lied. Poetry was when I was thirteen years old, but first was video games at the age of 10 but sexual perversion was way before both. Pornography led to so much time wasted, insatiable urges, and an insurmountable amount of perverse thoughts that ran wild in my mind. A mixture of pornography, BET, VH1, and MTV led me into a train-wreck. My body was wounded and so was hers, a piece of me missing in her and a piece of her missing in me. In my poem, “Coming out of the Closet”, I said, “Each time, there were two dead bodies in the aftermath”. At the time, twelve and thirteen, sex was cool to me and to everyone around me, so I pursued like an idiot, a blind man walking across the highway. Pornography and BET became a stronghold, a dream that I wanted to fulfill. Every video and every song that had sex or implied sex manipulated me, it was a trance, an aura. The more I listened to the music and watched those obscene porn videos, the more I considered. Then, I fell into the first girl that would do the things that the television told every man to do. Her name, Alisha, and the story, “Peer Pressure”. “I was walking home alone, getting away from the neighborhood’s big black dog, and a soft charming voice said, ‘Bernensky’. I looked around, going in four circles until I found the source. It was her and I approached her. I was inept at socializing, especially when it was a pretty girl standing in front of me…. She then said, ‘Come inside, so we can talk’. Afraid, so I denied but when I got home I received a call from friends. ‘You’re gay, man,’ one of them said, while the rest laughed hysterically. That hurt me and that motivated me to become who I wasn’t called to be. For many are called, but few are chosen (Matthew 22:14), so hear this: the devil was calling me for years with pornography and in this particular situation he chose me to commit pornography so that it would lead me to chains of addiction. Let’s continue the story: “I saw her again. She was walking towards me, away from her home… I made a move… We walked back to her home. We arrived, she opened the door, and I entered… ‘Relax,’ she uttered softly. We indulged in sexual activity.” That’s when I officially made sex my idol, my God. I was walking in the flesh, pursing my God instead of walking in the spirit pursing the true and only God, The Great I Am, and not fulfilling the lust of the flesh (Galatians 5:16). In my poem, “The Beginning of Perversion” I said, “I was 13 years old, an ordinary boy, / and just like many ordinary boys’ / I had seen and experience darkness in a variety of ways”. I didn’t know how powerful watching and listening could be. Me watching pornography and listening to sexual content led me to do things prematurely and as a result I became an addict and souls were attached to me.
This pleasure made me content. Life seemed so simple to me, nothing intricate. This pleasure made me lazy, not only this pleasure but the pleasure of video games, poetry, television, and internet but the pleasure of fornication outweighed them. I who loves pleasure will be poor and indeed I was poor in the mind (Proverbs 21:17a). Pleasure without God leads to poverty, yes, it could happen physically; but mainly spiritually. Pleasure without God for me was ungodly sex. Ungodly sex is the following: adultery, pornography, fornication, masturbation, & homosexuality. But ungodly sex never satisfied, so at the ages of fourteen and fifteen I did my homework to gain more of this pleasure. My perception was askew when it came to girls. I believed all of them wanted sex, but I pursued the ones that made it clear to me. Being a teenager it seemed easy to pinpoint the ones that wanted it. In my poem, “Teenage Girls” a question was asked to me, “Do you believe teenage girls are stupid today?” I responded, “Yes like an infant that is oblivious to the simplest snares that are plainly laid out before them”. Now, my intent was beyond a mind of a regular teenager. Every girl I looked at and I liked became my fascination. We had sex before we even had sex. When I was finally sixteen years old, I knew this was wrong. I knew my thoughts were not normal because I couldn’t go two minutes without sex popping into my mind, but I caught a trend occurring during all of this. The only place where my mind couldn’t manifest those thoughts was church, it didn’t matter what church I was in those thoughts couldn’t touch me. But church wasn’t enough, because I only went to church once a week. I had succumbed to the fact that my mind was disgusting. I knew I was going to hell with all of these teenagers, so I said in my poem, “My Teenage Mindset”, “Failure is what I saw in teenagers”. For God has not given me a spirit of fear, but of power and love and of a sound mind; but my mind wasn’t sound (2 Timothy 1:7). My mind wandered and wondered how much this pleasure cost and how long it would satisfy. My mind was far from sound, it was deaf from positivity and holiness, so I accepted my ways because I felt I couldn’t change my deaf mind. I feared any other lifestyle that didn’t revolve around sex.
Seventeen and eighteen was when receiving sex got a lot easier. My dad gave me a car and I never looked back. It got bad quickly; I graduated from girls that didn’t have cars to girls that had cars. In the story, “Sexual Immorality tried to kill me”, “Blue Jeans and Black Leggings came to my house unannounced and I let them in…. ‘Let’s have sex,’ they both said simultaneously. Black leggings asked me, ‘Are my boobs big?’ and Blue Jeans said, ‘You know you want to, let’s do it, Nike’ ”. I was living young and stupid, but during these years I had questions. I had to look myself in the mirror. I asked myself at the age of eighteen was this right? Was sex this early, right? Was pornography cool or gay? In the story, “Meeting on: How Pornography Ruined my Life”, I asked myself, “Why am I watching other people’s private part? Am I gay?” After analyzing my life, I wanted to change so I vowed to stop watching pornography and stop listening to Hip-hop music because I believed that music was sheer evil. Hip-hop seemed impossible to give up because everywhere I went it was there. Every get together, every party, and every time I opened the television it was there. But when I got saved, which is later in this story, I didn’t need it anymore. Pornography, on the other hand, was easy to give up so it appeared to be, but I realized that pornography already did its damage, it was now a curse. Even though I wasn’t watching it anymore, it was still in my mind, every scene. Every pretty girl I saw led me into pernicious thought patterns. I still was having “wet dreams” or boners when I woke up. And the most apparent thing was me still having sex. I became pornography and the car made matters worse because that was a magnet for those fast girls that I couldn’t resist. Before the car, it was mostly me sinning in the mind (Matthew 5:28) or me sinning against myself (1 Corinthians 6:18), but now with the car the thought quickly became an action and instead of me sinning by myself, I was bringing another person’s wife down with me. I just couldn’t understand this urge and didn’t have the answers to stop it. All I heard was, “SEX, SEX, SEX” every single minute. I wanted to stop, but my mind didn’t. I became what I despised, I was pornography. Supernatural events started to happen as a result of me wanting sex. My supposedly prom night or in other words the story “The Club” happened.
While the struggle to stop sexual immorality, sexual perversion, and the sexual curse was going on, my dad was sick with cancer. The second half of me being eighteen years old, I slowed down from sexual activities because I would be in the hospital for days accompanying my dad. I thought the urge went away and I went several months without having sex or performing or engaging in it. I turned nineteen, and then my dad passed in July 2013. I was distraught. After mourning his death for a month, I stepped out to the light, but depression killed me after. I didn’t want to live anymore. I did everything to get my mind of my dad. First, I would play video games with my little brother for the whole entire day but that didn’t work because my dad always watched us play video games and that always lingered in my mind. Next, I started hanging with my friends, but all they did was talk about the same things over and over. After, I would go to parties every other weekend, but the party scene didn’t fill the void, it was too loud and dangerous. Finally, I just focused on girls and only girls and that took my mind off my dad. This led to fornication to the 10th power and to masturbation as well. Up to that point I only masturbated twice, but now the urge was so prolific that I needed to release it some way or somehow. If I couldn’t get a girl in time, then I resorted to masturbation. Something was happening though. Something peculiar was happening to me. Now, my body seemed to adjust to the guilt in my mind. Every time I fornicated or masturbated, something inside of me made me feel gloomy and ashamed. I cried one time right after I finished with a girl. I knew that I knew that this was wrong and my body felt filthy from the inside out as a result. I kept reminding myself constantly, “God didn’t create me to be a sex addict”. This was true because God created sex only between married couples, man and woman, to have a covenant to glorify God (Genesis 2:24), but I took sex as a pleasure, not to fulfill the covenant but to fulfill my desires, the works of the flesh (Galatians 5:19-21). I continued to fight those nagging thoughts that said, “Call her back, she’s willing to give it up”, but those thoughts were too overwhelming. It was like a tug of war in my mind, one side wanted to stop and do good, the other side wanted to continue this lifestyle. The side that wanted to continue always prevailed, so I became the double-minded man, unstable in all of my ways (James 1:8). Soon, social media became a tool for my downfall. In the poem, “Coming out of the Closet” I said, “My Instagram was pornography” and indeed it was. Kik and Instagram became my devices for sex. I remember meeting this girl named Chrystal up in Broward after I got out of class. She was amazingly beautiful to me, I don’t know if that was me or the spirit manifesting. I approached her and she was very friendly. I threw out a few subliminal messages and she played along, fully understanding what I was trying to say. So, I asked for her number but she decided to give me her Kik name instead. At the time, everyone was using this app and it was a way to keep your number secure. From there, she was one of the first victims I got through Kik. Pictures and videos were sent and the trend continued as my perverted imagination grew. Kik became my sexual playground, making appointments and meeting up. The urge only increased to the point of me being deprived of sleep and eating. All I wanted was sex now because it made me stop crying about my dad. I had this schedule in my first semester of college that went like this: Monday after class go straight to Loran’s house, Tuesday after dropping my brother off to school go to Loran’s house, Thursday after dropping my brother off to school go to Loran’s house, Saturday after class go to Albee’s house, and do it all over again next week. Things changed when I realized that they were friends and they knew the same Bernensky. Now, I wasn’t having sex anymore. I thought that would help me, but it made matters worse. Masturbation became first and I glorified myself to the point of my genitals hurting. My body was sore, I was in pain. I would stop for a couple of days, but then when the pain went away I would resume and do it all over again. October came around and a childhood friend of mine named Jacques told me to come to something called a “House of Peace”, a place where one experience God. He’d been telling me to come for months, but I never had the time because of my father. I decided to go one Wednesday night and I saw many teenagers and young adults there, just like me. I was surprised because my belief before was every teenager was going to hell, but I had to retract from that belief because of what I saw. These teenagers were holy like my mom and dad, praying with everything they had. I was in another peculiar situation, all new to me. I saw these young adults, teenagers, crying out and I said to myself, “I want to be like them”. That House of Peace was impactful, but four days later I was back at it again. I masturbated and had a thought that went something like this, “I don’t deserve God and I shouldn’t pray because what’s the point when I’m going to do the wrong things anyway”. This led me to fornicate with this girl two days after that. I continued my hopeless life and the end of the year came. Nothing changed, but the thought of that place and those people was a constant in my mind.
New Years hit and my mother, brother, and I started the year off without my Dad, our first time. My mom was discouraged and I was discouraged, but that didn’t stop us from praying. I believed in God and I knew how to pray that was no problem, but I didn’t believe in praying so while we were praying my heart wasn’t fully in to it. My mom declared that despite our lost that 2014 would be our best year. Five days later I was at it again, when I was in Davie. Didn’t know why I was in Davie, but I saw this lady with an attire that led me to believe that she really wanted a guy to talk to her. She appeared a bit older than me, one could tell but this urge didn’t stop me. We spoke, I introduced myself, and she did as well. Her name, Alysha, that’s how she spelled it out. She had this look about her that made her more attractive, while the conversation prolonged. She asked me my age and I said twenty-one, I think my beard at the time sold it. She was twenty-three and just recently got married. She was from Atlanta on vacation with her husband who was back at the hotel. Despite her being married, I could tell she was easy. The body language and the way she spoke to me gave me the indication of her being easy and not fully committed in her marriage. I asked for her number and with no hesitation or no sign of guilt she gave it to me. I wanted to meet with her, but they were going back to Atlanta the next day. I texted her three days later, telling her who I was and where we met. First message from her was, “Do you have a kik? We can talk on there”. Instantly, I knew how this was going to go down. We talked for a while and she asked what I was in to. My imagination triggered and my thoughts exposed. Her pictures sent and my phone saved it. Even though we never met up for sex, there was something there, a soul-tie. This was getting ridiculous to me because I was trying to have sex with someone else’s wife. Was I one of David’s descendants? (2 Samuel 11:26-27). I didn’t understand why I just couldn’t find a girl my age, a woman of my youth (Proverbs 5:18b). And why was I messing with a lady that wasn’t even around me? I realized that this urge did this to me; I needed some sort of satisfaction even if it was through social media. Kik was a soul-tie, Instagram was a soul-tie, and all the girls I encountered or spoke to was a soul-tie. I had a body count, a soul count. I needed help, simple as that. I was tired and tried praying again, asking God to take my life at least four times a week. In March, my friend Jacques told me about another “House of Peace” on a Thursday at Coconut Grove. I went and it was more epic than the other one, more people and the power inside that rented place illuminated. I couldn’t explain. They did a call after worship for the new people. I went up with my brother and the leaders took us outside to pray for us. I said the salvation prayer and confidence and hope was imparted into me because of a testimony of a girl overcoming cancer through God. I looked at things differently. At first, I doubted God because Cancer killed my dad. Now, I believed that God was infinite and could do anything, and I believed God could remove this sexual curse. The next day I went to King Jesus Ministry in Kendall, the youth service, and that’s when I made a commitment, a promise with God. March 28, 2014 was the day and I deleted all apps from my phone and those girls’ numbers I knew that wasn’t going to benefit me on this new journey. I became paranoid and religious in way. For about two weeks I stayed home, not going anywhere. I missed classes and locked myself in the house for those two weeks. I felt that if I went outside, then I would have fallen so my best bet was to stay inside. I started blaming women for my entire trouble with these sexual tendencies saying, “Why do they dress like that? They’re provoking me” or “I think some girls pray to the devil for their beauty because it’s a spell”, but I caught myself trying to justify my actions. I sounded like a rapist trying to plead my case. I understood that most of these things that happened to me was mostly on me because I wanted it, the only exception was “Sexual Immorality tried to kill me”. After almost two weeks, April 9, I went back to my normal routine, school. Everything seemed okay and well until I received a text from a girl named Kirah, who I used to call a special friend. I came from school and I was home alone. I debated on if I should text her back. “Oh, I’m going to preach to her about God,” my thought said. I mentioned God once throughout the whole conversation at the very beginning and she wasn’t having it. She countered by switching the conversation real quick, sex. Her words captivated me and I couldn’t look away. Then, a picture was sent to me. My mind was going back to the old me, as she asked me to play along and come over. I got up went to the bathroom threw water on my face. I heard my phone go off in my room three more times and I was hesitant to go check. I stood and looked at the mirror, wondering how was I going to fight this thing off. Ten minutes passed and I went to my phone and checked it out. It was another message from her begging for me to play and another message from an unknown number which was telling me about a house of peace in my area. The third ring came from my bible app, James 4:7, Submit to God, resist the enemy and he will flee from you. Now, I completely forgot about the girl and marveled at what just happened. I felt like Daniel in that lion’s den, but then angels came and saved my life (Daniel 6:16-22). I realized that God had my back and he truly loved me. I understood why God didn’t help me before because I didn’t commit to him. Things started to be put in proper perspective for me, but again I found myself battling. Days later, loneliness was hitting me hard.
This was the first time I would come from school and go straight home. I always had friends, but now I had no one. I didn’t know anyone from King Jesus Ministry that lived near me. I started to hang out with girls that I had some sort of relationship with. Some were around the neighborhood and one was near my school. I thought since God intervene in the situation with Kirah, he would intervene if things went south while I was hanging out with these girls. I trusted myself for some strange reason, but that was the wrong move. Even though I didn’t do anything with those girls, I found myself lusting and tempting again and in my alone time it led to masturbation. The more I hung out with those girls, the more I came home to masturbate.
One night, I cried out to God. I couldn’t take it anymore. It was one in the morning and I told God to hurt me next time I did the deed, not to kill, but to hurt me so I didn’t have to do it anymore because during that time I tried everything to stop. I stopped hanging out with those girls for good, made a covenant with God to stop, and even went to a counselor but nothing worked. I even contemplating cutting my penis off, but I was afraid that I would commit suicide and go to hell. I knew I was going to do it again, it was just a matter of when and was God going to come through. The night came, a month later, Monday, I remember it was Monday because I was going through the channels on television and I came across WWE Raw. I got up from my childhood memory and went to my phone where I received a text from Ashley, another girl I messed around with. She wasn’t like the others that sent nudes, but she was still a threat because her beauty was all I thought about. I was in the bathroom texting her and flirtatious messages popped up here and there. After an hour of texting her, I told her I had to go do something. I masturbated. I cleaned myself up, went back to the play room to watch television with my mom. Out of nowhere, blood started oozing out of my nose, I felt lightheaded, dizzy. My mom was worried and quickly came to my aid. At first, I thought I was going to die but then I remembered my talk with God that night. I guess what God said was true: if I ask, then it will be given to me (Matthew 7:7a). Normality resumed as the supernatural departed, but I knew then that God had my back. I didn’t masturbate for a while after that, but the curse found another familiar way to attack. Ever since I made the decision to follow Christ I wasn’t having those sex dreams anymore, but as soon as I cut off every sin in the natural the demons came back into my dreams. July 2014, I say that was the scariest and most tough time of my walk in my first year. I couldn’t sleep. These succubus demons/spirits were trying to have sex with me, non-stop. A succubus spirit from what I knew was a spirit that is a female that had sex with men in their dreams and don’t worry women that happens to you to, it’s called the Incubus spirit. I stayed up many nights that month, pleading to God to make it stop. Nothing seemed to work because every night after hours of prayer this spirit came in an innovative way. In the story, “Is she a Witch?”, “In my dream, someone was coming towards me from afar, a female. In a matter of seconds, I was face to face with her. Not the girl I expected to see. She still looked the same. She sat on the bench being as serene as she could. ‘Hey, what’s up?’ she said…… ‘Let’s have sex,’ she proposed. I woke up at 5:39 a.m. and didn’t go back to sleep until the light was outside, 11 a.m… I woke up hours later, went to get my phone first, and then to the kitchen to eat. I received a phone call; I didn’t know who it was. A girl was on the other end and I asked, ‘Who’s this?’ She said her name and I didn’t say a word. I was confounded; it was the girl from my dream. I placed two and two together. Was this a premonition? Was this a coincidence? Or was this the devil himself? ‘I miss you,’ she said. I hung up the phone and said, ‘She’s a witch that prayed and supernaturally entered into my dream, my room, and my heart’.” I knew the devil wanted me to go back, but this again was ridiculous. As I continued to fight off, these dreams continued to torture me. A week later, in the story, “The Touch Dream”, “I was running in my dream and I didn’t know why I was running. I stopped and turned around; it was a girl that I evangelized to that day running towards me. As she got closer, I grew terrified again and started running again. I ran until there was this big cement wall in front of me. I turned around and boom she was right in front of me. She extended her hand towards my private and touched. Instantly, I woke up and jumped out of my bed. ‘Who’s there,’ I said. Times were getting rough, but one of my co-disciples, Jephte, had an idea for me and others. A prayer line was suggested for us to come together and pray against the devil and his devices. From 12 a.m. to whatever time we finished. This was a blessing; it was like the devil couldn’t touch me anymore while I went to sleep. During those times of us praying those late nights, I gained so much revelation and understanding to the point it proliferated. I realized that the kingdom of darkness was exactly its name. Witches, warlocks, and etc would send these spirits throughout the night, while we would be the most vulnerable. Now since we were praying in the night, it was a battle. We prevailed, but it was a matter of consistency. Unfortunately, it lasted for about a month, the end of June to the beginning of August, but I received so much that my purpose was revealed to me. I prayed more during those times alone and I was clear from the sight of the enemy at that time. For the first time in my life, everything was well. Last time I was actually well was when my dad was still here. All those smiles you saw after was a lie until now. I felt invincible and confident in myself. I didn’t need sex or any gratification of it. School came up and I was concerned for my well-being, but there was no serious threat. My mind just needed to stay on par with God. Things were still going well, but I stumbled for a moment. I went back for a split-second. I masturbated for the dumbest excuse, a quick distraction at the end of December. I cried again and prayed to God that my 2015 would be no longer be a curse of sexual immorality and declared freedom over every aspect of my life.
It was January 2015 and I realized that me falling back just for a moment was an opportunity for the devil to get back in my life like the time before the prayer line. Thoughts and dreams re-occurred, it led me to write the story “Why me?”. “The spirit of defeat had pervaded his mind… Thoughts and voices of sexual perversion led him to tears, then a rage of hate, and finally calmness… From the very beginning of his life, these thoughts and voices governed his life, leading him to do unspeakable actions. Those voices were the secrets he held to himself, his mind chamber where he would leave them until his demise. Depression and guilt devoured his soul; he couldn’t live with knowing those actions he had done…. ‘Help me,’ he begged. ‘Answer me,’ he pleaded…. ‘He’s not going to help you,’ the Owl said. ‘You were born into this family’…. His physical disposition said it all, shoulders slumped forward and arms drooping to the ground. He shook his head, contemplating. ‘Why me,’ he said, as he pulled out the gun that he had from his backside and pointed it to his head… BANG!” I was he, but unlike the ending I continued to press on because I knew the treasure at the end. I was on a 21 day fast and God’s faithfulness was with me. He showed me so much and I started to believe in that saying that said even if my mother and father forsaken me, you will never forsaken me (Psalms 27:10) because my mom and dad didn’t know but what if they did know my struggle with sexual perversion. Would they look at me differently? Yes, I know they would have because it’s the human tendency and plus their Haitian and they over-exaggerate for everything. Despite me nailing you on the cross every chance I had by sinning, you still said I love you. I felt like the woman the Pharisees brought to Jesus saying she was an adulteress because I was sinner and I deserved to be stoned for all the sins I committed and all the bodies I brought down with me, but you said you do not condemn me and that I should go and sin no more (John 8:3-11). To combat against the sexual desire, I would do the kingdom works. I was a sub-leader for Pascal’s hop in Little Haiti and we would go out to evangelize every week, three times to be exact, Tuesdays to high schools, Thursdays to Miami Beach, and Saturdays to Aventura Mall. This kept me away from the sexual thoughts because I was busy in God and in my career; it was only God and school. From January to the end of April I was clear, holy, and acceptable to God but again something happened. I was tired physically and somewhat spiritually. Everything on the spiritual aspect of things was great, but everything in the physical was bad to me. I was angry with God, despite him using me as a vessel. I was angry because from October of 2014, every Thursday, I prayed to God for blessings of cars to be released to the children of God. I was growing tired back then and I felt that I needed help. I felt bad because every time I went to hop there was always one person left behind. I felt like the only car from North Miami Beach to Little Haiti that was actually doing Kingdom works. I prayed, but nothing happened. More bad news came up when I realized I failed a class. I grew more frustrated because I needed that class. Eventually, I blamed the works I was doing for God as the reason of me failing the class because I felt that I didn’t have enough time. I wanted to focus and wanted to live normal again. I told God, “God, I’m going to take a break. Not from you, but from evangelizing. All I want to do is pray and worship that’s it.” The spiritual state of mine and the physical state of mine swapped places. Everything in the physical was going great, but everything in the spiritual sense was horrible. I let frustration and anger get to me. I was quick to wrath and that didn’t produce any fruit or righteousness only wickedness (James 1:19-20). This transition led to a soul-tie, a story that I would never forget, “The Ungodly Soul Tie”. “In the Allapattah area, Burn was regulating business for family…. He recognized this girl and approached her. ‘Hey, you used to go to the church, King Jesus Ministry,’ he said. ‘Yeah, it’s too far,’ she said. ‘Oh, you need to come back, let’s exchange numbers,’ he replied. Her name was Sophia, a pretty girl. Burn finally texted her the next day, but there was this feeling he got that disturbed him in his heart and soul like an alarm going off. He continued to text her and realized why this feeling was plaguing his heart… It was Sunday morning, June 14, and they were exchanging flirtatious text messages to one another. Burn was passive, knowing this was wrong. Her words were plain and simple, straight to the point… Burn felt horrible about the whole situation, but her messages intrigued him, compelling him to play a little while longer, while he convinced himself that he would eventually stop. The plan backfired as it escalated to pictures being sent. He was disgusted in himself, guilt and shame filled his mind… He deleted the messages and stopped texting her. Burn went to the Florida room, the play room in the house, and laid down on the couch. Burn dozed off and had a dream. Burn was standing all alone in a deserted street and there she was standing in white with her head down, as if she was depressed and weak. He galloped towards her, reaching her. He was just about to touch her until he heard the voice said, ‘Do not touch her, unless you want to die’. Instantly, he woke up. Scriptures of death and hell popped into his head, agonizing the situation by inserting the fear of God in his heart.” I felt like Pharaoh trying to take what was not mine and I had to face the repercussions for it (Genesis 12:12-19 & Genesis 20:3-8). This reminded me of a poem I wrote back in 2012 called “What belongs to You”. “What belongs to you is not what belongs to me / I want it, but I can’t take it / I respect that, but at the same time I hate it.” At that time, I became a Sexual Evangelist. I was suppose to be leading her back to church, but instead I was leading her down to hell. I wondered if I had the Delilah spirit inside of me. I cut it off, but it felt like I started over. I had to repent for the words that came out of my mouth and the actions that ensued. Things only got darker; I had this gay thought, it was a consideration of a thought. Quickly, I realized what was happening to me. I went to so many deliverance retreats for one thing and that was for sexual perversion and sexual immorality. There were times were I felt free, but that sin always came back because I went back to it. As a result, it came back onto me with a new thing, a despicable sin, or more legions of perversion. In this case, the spirit came with backup (Matthew 12:43-45) because I would have never thought in my lifetime that this heinous thought would come across my mind. Just know I prayed that day.
Things simmered down when I slowly got back into the Kingdom works again. Despite my idiotic ways, God provided financially and I just needed to get through two semesters so I could get my AA degree and leave. My heart got exposed to me. I learned that I was struggling with the spirit of rejection. I was asking God to tell me why this curse was placed into my life. Yea, I knew it was my fault but why was it so consistent in my life? Even if I did everything right, it would still come back. I realized that my heart was wounded ever since I was a child and that this spirit was produced way back then. This spirit triggered me to go a route that was below my standards and settle for mediocrity. It was also revealed that loneliness played a major role in what I fell into. I wondered why I always had this urge for a relationship. It was because most of my life I felt alone because nobody understood me. The spirit of loneliness was the major thing and I questioned God. I thought why he won’t just give me my woman now, so I don’t let this spirit destroy me. But then I realized the process, which was me needing to build a better relationship with my God, my father, and then it would be given to me. I learned abundantly, but let me tell you how this revelation still couldn’t stop the urge.
My second to last semester in Broward had many ups and downs. All of a sudden, I was not a sub-leader anymore for Pascal’s hop and I was doing my best trying to manage a hop up there in Broward, which was so discouraging. Also, I didn’t have my car for the first quarter of the semester and God knows how much I hated the bus. Sometimes I took the bus and other times I was offered rides. I didn’t like asking people for rides and being a burden because trust me I knew how that felt. I believed that I could handle taking the bus and walking home, but on the other hand if one offered me a ride I wasn’t going to turn it down. I was offered many rides. I would be walking to the bus stop and a friend would come and save the day. There were some rides that I knew I shouldn’t have gotten in the car. One couldn’t use the excuse of poor decision-making because I knew exactly what I was doing. Essentially, nothing happened, but I knew that it wasn’t the wisest thing to do to get in a car with a very attractive girl that didn’t know Jesus Christ as her Savior, and to do it more than once was just bold. At least I controlled myself every time. When I finally received my car, everything went back to driving as it was suppose to. I would stay on campus late to study with a couple of affiliates or to do shows that involved art, such as poetry and photography. One day in late November, I was coming from a poetry contest at the library. I didn’t win, so after I wandered the school grounds in disappointment and bumped into some old friends. Then, I bumped into a crush that I once had. It was a surprising encounter because I didn’t know she went there. Da-nigh was her name and she was everything her pictures portrayed on Instagram, beautiful. We hugged, spoke to one another, and then hung out with each other for two hours on campus. We exchanged numbers and this started a soul-tie between her and I. Initially, God came out my mouth like the situation with Kirah, but like the trend of my past it never lasted. It was funny because I did my best to not talk to her. I’ll explain. I was cool with her little sister and spoke to her on a regular basis, but she never told me that Da-nigh went to Broward. She would tell me if she could give my number to her, but I always told her “No” because I knew Da-nigh was a threat. Now that I saw her, everything shifted quickly. We went on dates and after every date something wasn’t right with my soul. I knew it was wrong, but the devil always placed a thought in my mind that said, “What scripture in the bible tells you that dating is wrong?” It was battle between my will versus God’s will. I thought why couldn’t I be like Jesus and say God’s will, not mine (Luke 22:42). 2016 arrived, but the way my 2015 ended was how my 2016 started. I went on more dates with Da-nigh. God’s schedule was moving without me. New changes happened in this walk, a new House of Peace was designated to my house. The leader would be Jean, a co-disciple of mine, and I would be the one helping him. I never preached, while Jean was leading the hop at my house and that was a good thing. I was a hypocrite like the Pharisees (Matthew 23:13-36). My mentor, Alfred, would say a saying that went like this to remind us that no sin was hidden: “Yea, you go home from church and say, ‘Yea, I fooled my mentor, I fooled the pastor, but God knows’ ” and that saying lingered in my mind during this time because God was shaking his head. I liked her and she liked me. I just couldn’t grasp why I couldn’t see beauty in a woman of God like I saw in these girls that wasn’t doing the works of God. I thought maybe it was that promise that I made when I was eighteen that I would never mess or ruin any girl that was truly good. I didn’t know why I loved worldly girls, I was deceived. At the end of March, days after we went on a date to the movies at Aventura, I cut it off. This was getting out of hand because weeks after this other girl was willing to take me out to go eat because I wrote her essay for her and she got an A. I wasn’t going to turn down free food, but again it was wrong. After I graduated in May, God’s schedule changed again, Jephte became the new leader of the Hop at my house. Me graduating was a blessing in disguise.
I had time for God like never before. Hop every Wednesday was powerful and it would be impossible for me to fellowship with any girls of the world. A couple of months later, Apostle Maldonado did a special service for Youth night. The audience would ask him questions and he would answer. Dating came up and I knew it was wrong, but now I had the confirmation. My prayer got back to what it was to suppose to be. Worship alone with God was beautiful again. More time with God and family helped me substantially and things started to grow. I didn’t look back and at the end of year I was happy again. I ended the year great.
I look back and I just wonder how I’m still here. Thank the Lord and I guess I have to see what’s next, but I’m done with the past, all of this is behind me. I feel better getting this off my chest. Exposing yourself feels fun, should do this more often. I pray that my 2017 be great again and that my life resembles holiness because this time I’m serious. Let’s do this!
Some Names are nicknames and some are real names.
Peer Pressure (Story)
The Beginning of Perversion (Poem)
Teenage Girls (Poem)
Teenage Mindset (Poem)
Sexual Immorality Tried to kill me (Story)
The Club (Story)
Coming Out the Closet (Poem)
Is She Witch? (Story)
The touch Dream (Story)
Why Me? (Story)
Ungodly Soul Tie (Story)
What Belongs to You (Poem)
December 31, 2016