Counseling

 

“Speak to me, I’m here to help you.”

…. (Tears)….

“Please, Burn. Don’t cry. You always have words to say to me. Have you written anything lately concerning your pain?”

…. (Shakes head) ….

“Why not? And this time speak. I don’t want your gestures or your body language to answer?”

“It doesn’t help anymore.”

“Writing doesn’t help you anymore?”

“No, it doesn’t.”

“Last get together, you said writing was one of the two reasons you were alive, the other reason was God. What do you mean it doesn’t work?”

…. (Tears) ….

…. (Moves from across from him and sits next to him on the couch) ….

“Burn, stop it. You’re one of the toughest and positive people I have ever had the pleasure of meeting. I don’t have any favorites, but I love speaking to you. You’re honest and speak your mind, so please don’t deviate from that now. You even said that you can’t keep secrets inside because it bothers you, so tell me. This is why you are paying me.”

“Tell you what?”

“First, tell me why writing isn’t helping anymore?”

“It used to work. Writing began in the form of poetry for girls, but it evolved soon after my father’s departure to stories. It became a part of me, it was in every thought and heartbeat. It led me places so far away from this world that only displays pain. I wrote not because I loved it, but because I needed to. I wrote to get away from my circumstances, my mother’s circumstances, and my brother’s circumstances. I wrote because that was the only place I found joy consistently. Writing for me was like drugs to an addict. Now, it doesn’t take me to the temporary places where I forget about life problems. I can’t elude the pain and the suffering anymore.”

“But, remember, you believe in Jesus. You said you believe in the process.”

“I did say that, but sometimes my sayings are not true. Like I said before, my writing holds all the truths of my life. Yes, I said I believe in the process with my mouth, but does my heart do? I never written about the process and in my alone time, I pray to God to take my life because I hate the process. I hear the devil whispering in my ear saying, ‘When you were in the world, it wasn’t this hard.’ Writing doesn’t make that voice go away. I say I want to go home and that’s my heart speaking. Forget everything else. People want to preach, people want to perform miracles, people want to dance in synagogues, but as for me, all I ever wanted is heaven.”

“Wow, this is a complete turn around from what you said a month ago. What happened?”

“This life that was bestowed upon me happened. I can’t hold it in anymore. After the death of my father, Cancer taunts me because I still haven’t recovered. Depression, sadness, sickness, attacks, and etc. ensued right after. I continued to be the toughest and most positive person I can be, but was I truly happy? You see the story behind the smile you always see when I come in here and what the public sees is deeper than you think. Look beyond the white illuminous smile and you will see a child crying about his losses and pain he has held throughout his life. Eighty-five percent of the time my smile is just to cover the wounds I have. The rest you can say is genuine.”

“So, your smile doesn’t represent hope?”

“For me, it just covers the pain. People have asked me how can I be so joyful all the time. I respond, ‘Easy, I can keep a secret.’ People say I give them hope when I smile because they say that I smile through trials and tribulations because I smile everyday throughout every season. They say my smile embodies the verse that says smile through suffering. But, they don’t live with me. I don’t smile when I’m home alone. I don’t smile when near the water. I don’t smile when I’m being real.”

“Okay, what will truly make you happy, Burn? Tell me?”

“Me leaving this earth right now.”

“No, Burn. Stop it, you cannot be serious. That means you will have to die.”

“So be it, this life has nothing for me.”

“You know what I think?”

“Go.”

“You’re just going through a phase where your fortitude is being tested by more hardships. This is molding you and you don’t even know it. Burn, knowing you for a short while and knowing everything that you have done has been amazing. You can’t give up and I know that deep down in your heart you don’t want to. You quoted someone that said we as humans weren’t born to live and die, but to leave a mark, to become legendary. So, all of a sudden, you don’t want to be legendary anymore?”

…. (Gets up, ready to leave) ….

…. (Grabs his wrist) ……

“Where are you going?”

“It’s time to go.”

“We have all the time in the world. We’re not leaving, until we find the source and the solution.”

“The source is life. Everybody goes through it and the solution is heaven. Can you let go now?”

“No, sit down.”

…. (Sits down) ….

“You’re better than that. You face your problems face to face.”

“You’re right. You know I have done some horrible prayers.”

“What do you mean?”

“I prayed for God to send a meteor to kill all of us, so I could go home. And, for world war three to happen, so I can get killed by a shotgun.”

“Burn, are you seriously crazy?”

“You wanted me to speak, so here it is. I retracted from the world war three stuff and asked God to forgive me, but that goes to show you how bad I want to go home.”

“Look at me and answer the question about wanting to be legendary. Do you?”

“That was the ultimate dream, yes. But, what are dreams and goals? I don’t know anymore. The process to become legendary is like climbing a mountain. You do your best to climb all the way at the top because that’s when you conquer life, but few people do. I climbed to reach the top, so many times. Many distractions on the way and many burdens I had to carry. I sold my soul to become legendary. I gave up all the easy paths to do it the right way, but here I am, at square one again, climbing to be legendary once again. Every time I fall to my death, it’s harder to climb up each time. At least, I did my best, right?”

“Yes, you did climb, but that wasn’t your best. It can be your best if you decide to resign and give up, but you want to climb again. I know you do.”

“You’re probably right. I can’t stop now. My purpose is to suffer, that’s about it. Even if I reach the top of the mountain. I bet there will be another mountain waiting.”

“I know, its difficult, but that’s the price you pay to be to become great. Don’t let the process keep you down, let that passion that made you do it in the first place lead you.”

“You said this is a phase I’m going through, but it’s not. A phase is just a temporary thing. This is an everlasting thing, passed down from the beginning of humankind. Suffering on this earth is inevitable, but it’s how you get out of it that counts. You see I could have made a deal with the devil or did my own thing, but instead, I chose what was and still is pure. But, for what? The seeds are still in the soil and nothing has produced yet. ‘It’s my fault’, yeah I heard that one before, but I’m doing my best. I guess that doesn’t count sometimes in this life.”

“What happened in the last month for you to say what you’re saying right now?”

“Breakthrough is not for me.”

“Breakthrough?”

“Suffering and pain is a part of everybody’s life, and I understand that, but when you believe in something that claims that it will lead you from suffering and never does and you’re truly doing your best to follow that something, then something is wrong. Yes, they say, ‘Take it patiently or a little while longer and it will happen’, but when? I’ve seen my father suffer my whole entire life. He suffered the nineteen years I saw, doing his best to provide for his family. He was a taxi-cab driver. My mother suffered as well throughout her whole life, doing her best to keep the house after my father’s death. I feel sorry for her and all I want for her is for her to be happy. They believed in God, just as I, but like me no breakthrough. Forty-eight years he lived and no breakthrough. Yes, beautiful house, but soon a burden. Yes, we have been blessed, but I don’t care about blessings, those are temporal. A breakthrough is what we have been looking for because a breakthrough changes the situation of one’s life.”

…. (She lowers her head) ……

“Wow, I wanted to surprise you with some news because you impacted my life, but I don’t think I should say it.”

“You’re making me curious, nice tactic, tell me?”

“Our last encounter was… I don’t know how to describe. Everything that you said was true and I believed. I went to a church nearby and I gave my life to Christ. I just wanted to thank you for that. And one more thing, I’m getting baptized there this Sunday and I wanted to invite you.”

“Wow, that’s amazing. I hope you’re not discourage because of what I said. I didn’t do anything I just said something that came from God and you believed because it was the truth, so don’t get discouraged because of me. Jesus said, ‘He is the way, the truth, and the life’ for a reason. Just continue to believe because we’re all different. You have a process and I have my own. Just pray that you are levels above me because I have a curse that needs to be dealt with. You don’t want to be on that level.”

“Really, Burn? I can only do so much. You need to go to your leaders at your church and seek help because you are talking out of frustration. They can help you.”

…… (Gets up and walks to the exit) ….

“Hold on, am I going to see you again?”

“Pray that you do.”

 

 

 

April 2017

Instagram: @burn_in_sky

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23 thoughts on “Counseling

  1. The first part of breakthrough is brokenness. You sharing has reminded me of that even for myself.
    Even when we can’t find ourselves clinging to hope we have to know that He has all the hope we need. He knows us better than we know ourselves and even if you’re hanging by a thread, hang on. You haven’t let go yet because you know there’s another purpose, deep down despite all the pain. If you didn’t believe that you wouldn’t be here… most of us wouldn’t.
    When you are lacking ask for what you need.
    When you lack hope, ask for hope.
    When you need rest, ask for rest.
    When you need strength, ask for it.

    Just be careful on your path of healing that you don’t become so accustomed to the pain you’re so used to that you cling to it, even when He’s trying to set your free. He can only work in what we allow Him to work in and through what we give over to Him. I can only say that from experience. We can get so accustomed to pain and anguish that we almost become hesitant or fear letting it go because it’s mostly all we’ve known.
    When we can’t control what’s in us we have to have supernatural help and that only comes from Christ. You don’t have to hold onto pain. You just have to allow Him to remove it.

    And keep in mind that it can take time. I have been told in regards to myself that sometimes the process has to be slower than we want it to be so as not to cause more damage in the removal process.

    I hope I’m not sounding like I’m giving the typical Christian responses (because I can’t stand those myself). I just want you to know you’re not alone when it comes to pain and wanted to tell you to keep hanging on, even if by just a thread.

    Liked by 2 people

      1. Hey, I did want to thank you for sharing today as well. Your experience reminded me somewhat of what I’ve been dealing with and I’ve been struggling with writing lately too, even though the Lord has been nudging me to.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. When we fall down the mountain, it feels like we’re back at square one, but we are not. We’ve learned much more about climbing so we can do better after a bit of rest. And yes, there is usually another mountain to climb, but we’re learning how to become legendary. That doesn’t mean we won’t fall, but with practice, we become better at getting back up, and we don’t fall as far or as often. Climb on, Burn!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Beautiful, honest, brave…it touched my heart. Beyond the smile is an wounded child, crying for love, searching for a safe place and a warm embrace. And you know…that wounded part of our souls is so pure, so good, even if healing it is so painful.
    I feel honored and blessed to see a little of your precious heart, expressed here. Thank you for giving me this chance! And thank you for following my blog, for the kindness in your message, for writing the way you do.
    A warm embrace,
    Claudia

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Aww you sound like me 😦 do you have friends? I don’t mean people who claim to know you and care about you I mean real true friends who understand you and you feel comfortable crying around. Someone you feel you can be your real self around and not pretend to be ok. That’s what I needed. If you do, my counselor told me that the reason emotions get worse and linger is when you don’t express them. Hopefully you can find someone who will let you release the negativity so you can move on.
    The purpose of life is not to struggle. When I tell you I’ve been through that depression stage for completely different reasons, but I’ve been there and I’ve been out. Life is great now! You have to literally lie to yourself at first. Your thoughts become a reality. If you’re constantly thinking my life is awful, all I know is pain, that’s what will manifest in your life.
    I hope you understand where I’m coming from. I know it’s really hard at first but I will ask you to wake up every morning and speak positive things about yourself, your family and your life. Things like “I am healed” “I live in a great home” “I have no worries in life” “Everything I need is provided for me”. Send out positivity into the world and you will get positivity back, then you will enjoy your time here and you won’t be longing for the next step in the process.
    Much love to you ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Wow well said. I have a multitude of people who care for and pray for me, but I’ll say a hand full understand who I truly am. It’s hard to express myself to people sometimes, but when I do, it’s to women. It was either my mom or a girl I’m cool with or had a steong relationship with. And yes, we do have to lie to ourselves. Thanks for reading the struggle.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Glad you liked it! I just recently learned this so I wanted to see if it would help you. I had to realize there’s very very few people who will see the ugly in you and still love you just the same. You don’t have to force anything. Not everyone can be your close friend, it will always be rare to find someone you can truly express yourself to but it’s worth it. I used to have the same desire to just end this life now. What’s the point? There is none if you’re not happy. But now I’m happy and those feelings are gone.

        Liked by 1 person

  5. I have had depression too , still deal with anxiety, but I haven’t met any counselor because my family is just ,.. I can’t explain it to them. Somehow I know days when I want it to end, had thoughts of asking God to tk me. but im better than wat i was at one point. Trust me. It will get better. Not totally okay. It never gets totally fine I guess, because wats broken can be repaired, but the cracks still remain. Have faith. You are not alone. “THIS TOO SHALL PASS.” take care. I hope you have courage to live each accepting God’s help to heal you.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I thought we all asked God to take us at some time or other. I mean, why stay here? When we could be there! The older I get the more I understand the struggle is real. And it is a daily walk, one day conquered at a time. That’s it. The reality of living in the now. Kia Kaha from New Zealand. Your truth shines a light in this darkness xx

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Wow. After reading just a couple of your posts I think I just found a brother I never knew I had:)
    It’s all about the process my friend, and all of us have to walk these same roads to get to the final destination. You’re not unlike Paul,you know? He too wished to go on to be with the Lord,which would be to his benefit,however the Church needed him to stay here,and the Church is still benefiting today from his writings.
    Judging by some of the comments I’ve seen on your blog, I’d say the Church is benefiting from your writings as well.
    Live every day like it’s your last…

    Liked by 1 person

  8. My brother in Christ, the beauty of Jesus is we don’t have to try to put on a facade for Him. Even if we tried, He’d just shake His head in a sad smile, “You really think you can fool Me?” There was time when I went through a depression for several months, I didn’t realize that was what my pain was. It was a depression formed from sadness and (as God showed me) being ashamed of myself. I thought I was talking to God about the deep stuff, but I discovered I was hiding the hurting parts as well, not really telling Him, and myself, the truths of my mind and soul. I too, wanted to disappear from this world. I just wanted to be in the courts of heaven. I didn’t want to die, I just didn’t want to be on the earth. And the day I finally went to my knees, knowing I had to give it to Him, face my struggles head on with Him, I opened my Bible up randomly, and this was the first scripting I saw. Psalm 84:10, “For a day in your courts is better than a thousand elsewhere. I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of wickedness.” It was then I felt truly heard from God, and I hadn’t even poured out my heart to Him yet. It was reminder He was watching, and He felt my pain. I was loved through mistakes, pain, and hardship. To this, I cling to Him now as well. Peace be still upon you. : )

    Liked by 1 person

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